


Your Life is Told Through 19,000 Pages

by bannanachan



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-22
Updated: 2013-05-22
Packaged: 2017-12-12 15:46:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/813270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bannanachan/pseuds/bannanachan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years after beating the game, Rose starts having nightmares again and locks herself up alone in her house. Then an unexpected visitor shows up at her door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Faded all your blues to grey

You would think (would have thought) that second sight would prevent you from making bad decisions. That it would show you your futures and guide you towards the one that was best, the one that was happiest and paved with more cobblestones than nails. That it would help you move forward, instead of letting you fall down holes.

You were extremely wrong.

***

You wake up drowning. This is alarming, despite the fact that this is how you have woken up for the last 27 consecutive days.

Your eyes open wide and you gasp for air, drawing a giant mouthful of saltwater down your throat, burning its ways into your lungs. Your chest is tight and full and you are coughing and it hurts, it feels like your whole body is being pounded on and you are tearing yourself apart from inside. You can see clearly that all this is impossible, that you are in your room, in your bed, and there is nothing around but air, no leaks or spontaneous indoor thunderstorms and you do not even live by a waterfall any more but it doesn’t matter because you are drowning. You are dying. You cough some more and brackish water spills from your mouth onto your sheets. Something gets caught in your mouth and you spit out seaweed, black and tangled, foot after foot of it choking you up and you still can’t breathe and you think you are on fire, you are starting to black out and you are dying –

The doorbell rings. You do not so much wake as you do snap out of it.

There is no water on your bed, or seaweed in your lap, or salt in your lungs. You cannot hear the ocean calling to you in the back of your brain, the waves and squelching or any of the noises beneath that you try to tune out. You look around and double check that you are still in your room (you are) before taking a shaky breath in. No water. You’re safe, for now.

Still shaking, you rise from your bed and check your reflection in the mirror. You are the color of paper, and it does not look nearly as radiant on you as it does on Kanaya. Your hair is flying off of your head like gravity has stopped working and is made of nothing but split ends, and your lips are so cracked and dry it looks as if you have actually been drinking nothing but saltwater for a month. To say you are a wreck would be putting it mildly.

You find all of this extremely ironic, or perhaps just fitting, when you stumble over to the door and peek through to see who it is. You undo the locks as quickly as you can despite your shaking hands and open it wide.

“What are you doing here, Terezi.” You ask.

You can see her toothy smile underneath the shadows of her large hood even before she takes it off and stares right at you with bright yellow eyes. “I’m here to help you!” She says, and then pauses. “You look like shit, Rose.”

A while ago, Terezi would have been the first person you’d choose to see you like this. As bad as you might look, you are certain she has smelled worse in your time. Now, it matters less, except insofar as that she is not John, Jade, Dirk, or (god forbid) Roxy, Kanaya, or Dave.

“I’m flattered.” You say. “And not in need of help, so be on your way, wouldn’t you please?”

“Right.” Terezi says drolly, and steps past you through the doorway and into the house before you can say another word. “You sure do seem okay, what with the way you broke it off with Kanaya, kicked her out, put five locks on the door and bars on the windows, and then dropped out of contact for a month. Definitely the behavior of a perfectly fine person as far as my experience goes!”

You realize that she is not leaving and reluctantly close the front door behind you as you follow her into the living room and kitchen.

“Alright.” You say. “So you caught me. Still, I’m not sure that this is a problem that you are qualified to help out with, and I am actually tempted to believe that your presence here is more of an impediment to me than anything. And as such, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Again.”

She just ignores you, exploring the living space with her hands behind her back and her nose first, sharp and grey and flaring as she sniffs. It has been a long time since Terezi used anything other than her eyes to see, and her nose hasn’t been as powerful ever since. Nonetheless, the habit has stayed, and you (and everyone else) got used to it a long time ago.

“So,” she says, “is it Horrorterrors, or sudden onset alcoholism relapse?”

It occurs to you at this point that there is nothing you can do to get rid of her.

You sigh and gesture towards the kitchen and (more specifically) the completely empty wine rack. She notes it, but goes to check the freezer (she knows your old habits better than you’d have expected). When she turns around upon closing it, her expression indicates satisfaction.

“So it’s Horrorterrors, then.” She says.

In a last ditch effort, you tell her “It’s none of your business.” What you mean, what you know she’ll hear, is yes.

“Right.” She says. “Well, do you have a spare room then?”

You blink. “Excuse me?”

“I can sleep on the couch, I guess.” She says. “But I’d really rather have a recuperacoon, no reason we should both be having nightmares, and also it’ll significantly reduce our risk of killing each other!”

“No.” You say. “No, I’m drawing the line. Visit if you must, check up on me and deliver news, but this is too much.”

“You don’t need to worry about resources.” She says. “I’m going to have it taken care of tomorrow, if this interaction goes well. Which it did, I think, so it’s all good!”

“Terezi, you know that is not what I meant. Please. I am dangerous. You cannot be near me like this, things happen around me when I’m like this and I will not be held responsible for killing my brother’s girlfriend.”

You are cut off by a cackle as she throws her head back laughing. “Okay, first of all, the fact that you think you could kill me, grimdark or not, is adorable. You might be my boyfriend’s sister, sure, but I can promise you right now that if you come at me I will not hesitate a second before slitting your fucking neck. Second of all, you are being completely absurd and I think you know it. Seriously Rose, you know me. You think I can’t talk when it comes to getting out of things that are over my head? You think I don’t understand, I can’t help? Jeez, and I always thought you were smart.”

If there was more blood in your body right now, you would have flushed at that, but the embarrassment and anger shows on your face anyway. “I didn’t say that.” You insist.

“Then let me stay.” She says. “Come on, you’ve got nothing to lose! And from what I’ve seen so far, that’s really not the case if you don’t.”

You don’t say anything, so she continues. “You don’t want to die, right?”

“… No.”

She claps her hands “Then it’s settled! I’ll contact Dave and let him know. So, what have you got to eat?”


	2. Look into her eyes to feel safe

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC]

TG: so  
TG: hey  
TG: how is she  
GC: 1T’S GOOD TO H34R FROM YOU TOO D4V3  
GC: 1 M1SS3D YOU SO MUCH MY D4RL1NG LOV3R  
TG: terezi babe  
TG: you know i love having stupid conversations with you  
TG: but i really havent got the patience for it right now  
GC: F41R 3NOUGH  
TG: well   
GC: SH3S… NOT GOOD  
TG: fuck  
TG: ok can you count the number of shadowy death tentacles coming off of her  
TG: if it’s six or under I think we can handle it but after that cutoff were gonna need some backup  
GC: Z3RO  
TG: is she drinking?  
GC: NO  
GC: 4LCOHOL NOR W4T3R  
TG: fuck  
GC: 1 M4D3 H3R H4V3 SOM3 T4PW4T3R 4S SOON 4S 1 GOT H3R3  
GC: SH3 S41D 1T T4ST3D L1K3 S4LT SO 1 BOUGHT SOM3 F1LT3R3D STUFF 4T TH3 STOR3  
TG: and  
GC: SH3 S41D TH4T T4ST3D L1K3 S4LT TOO  
TG: fuck  
TG: does she seem…  
TG: i dont know  
TG: grimdarky?  
GC: NO  
GC: MOSTLY SH3 JUST S33MS L1K3 4 M3SS  
GC: L1K3 4 R3GUL4R M3SS 1 M34N NOT 4 SP3C14L 1 4M TH3 CHOS3N S3RV4NT OF TH3 OLD ON3S M3SS  
GC: SH3 SM3LL3D R34LLY B4D  
GC: 1 M4D3 H3R T4K3 4 SHOW3R  
TG: ok  
TG: well  
TG: shes alive at least  
TG: thats good  
GC: Y3S D4V3  
GC: SH3 1S 4L1VE

***

Living with Rose Lalonde is easier than you thought it would be!

Technically, you have lived with Rose Lalonde once before, for three years. But the meteor was a very big place, and there was plenty of personal space to go around, not to mention places to hide (you would know). Rose’s house is not that big (though she does produce a spare room), but this does not end up mattering. For some reason, you had expected that it would be like living with Kanaya, that everything would be structured and on shelves and in tiny neat piles. The reality, actually, is that Rose does not give a rat’s ass about structure or tiny neat piles.

Possibly this is related to the fact that Rose’s main hobbies right now include staring at walls, jumping at shadows, coughing up nothing over the load gaper, and generally being a hot mess. You are reasonably certain after only a few hours that residual god-powers are the only thing that has kept her alive thus far.

Your first jobs primarily involve errands. Rose hands you the keys to the locks on her front door before you even start moving in and tells you to never let her have them back (“might as well have something good come out of this,” she’d said). You find out that nothing has been done in this house for a month. You call Dirk and he helps you make sure her bills are getting paid. He also wires enough money to your account for you to buy a recuperacoon for yourself and food for you both for a good while. You do not like to go shopping alone, but you do not want Rose to die. You admit to growling and shaking when you pass by an aisle cap covered in Faygo, but the trip is mostly uneventful. When you get home, you make her strip to her underwear and sit on the couch watching TV while you launder her bedding and clothes. You leave the yellow and orange dress made of immaculate cloth carefully undisturbed where it sits folded on a closet shelf.

It thus takes you a couple of days before you actually get down to business and talk to her.

You corner her when she gets out of a shower you made her take. She stares at you for a second, then moves past you towards her room; you follow and lounge in the doorway.

“So what happened?” You ask.

Rose frowns, bra halfway on. “What? Nothing.” She says, and pauses. “Well, something, obviously, but… I don’t know, it wasn’t an event. Nothing triggered it, it just happened one day. I heard something in my sleep, I thought I saw things in the shadows. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together. And it didn’t take long to get worse.”

“You didn’t take anything?” You ask. “Drink anything? Look into some crystal ball?”

She shakes her head. “Kanaya would have smelled it in my blood, if I did drink. She told me so anyway. Roxy probably would have known, somehow. Ask them if you don’t believe me, I wouldn’t blame you. As for crystal balls, I assure you I avoid new-age stores as religiously as you avoid carnivals – no pun intended. Or offense.”

“None taken!” You insist (although it does sting, it’s not her fault). “And I assume no white-texted ghosts have been hitting up your pesterchum lately.”

“You talked to him too, right?” She asks.

You pause. It’s a simple question, but not easy to answer somehow. “Yes.” You say. “A little. He spent more time on Vriska. And I didn’t take him seriously at first. But yes, I did. It was him who helped me get back at her – Vriska I mean. When that all went down. I don’t know if I could have done it if I had really known at the time what he was.”

“What?” She says.

It takes you a second to realize that she doesn’t know what you’re talking about. It took place so long ago, even if it doesn’t feel like it, and never will. “Oh, right. Uh, I manipulated him. To take her arm and eye, for revenge for Aradia. It’s what blinded me, sort of – that was her revenge.”

“You?” She says incredulously. “Manipulated him?”

You laugh, kind of nervously. “I wasn’t always this terrible at being a Seer of Mind. I could do stuff like that, back then. Maybe not if I had known, like I said, but I was pretty brave too!”

She laughs back, and it’s bereft. “As if I needed more proof I’m a failure.” She mutters, mostly to herself.

Honestly, you have never been that close with Rose. She’s your friend, yes. But on the meteor, when you might have been getting to know her, you were both – well, preoccupied, and that didn’t change in the least once you entered the Alpha session and started fighting for your lives. You fell in love with (and out of love with, and back in love with) her brother, and you knew Kanaya pretty well, but the two of you didn’t connect much considering that you shared a class. So hearing that from her – given your own history, given your mutual triumph over the game, given everything – just sort of makes you want to slap her!

You refrain from slapping her. Instead, you just look her in the eyes. “You’re wrong.” You say.

She scoffs. “How’s that?”

“Because if you’re a failure for succumbing to this – if having issues that you thought were resolved come back to bite you makes you a failure – then I’m a failure too. You do realize that we are really fucked up, right? Not just you and me, all of us. We ended the world when we were 13. Our worlds were created for the purpose of our destroying them, and when we got out, we couldn’t tell anyone for fear of sounding crazy. Did you think returning to normal life was going to be easy? That it would be as simple as buying houses and getting jobs and being domestic? Hell, I’m surprised more of us haven’t had full-on mental breakdowns! You told me just yesterday that you didn’t want to die, right? How in the hell could you think you’re a failure?”

Rose stares at you, open-mouthed, and you realize you are crying. A very long, rather awkward silence ensues.

“I’m sorry.” She says.

You collapse into a chair by her dresser and laugh weakly. “Don’t be. But for pete’s sake, Rose, I don’t want you to die – we don’t want you to die – and I can’t help you if you won’t be helped. So if you would come back to reality and grow the fuck up and try to fix your problems instead of wallowing in a cycle of self-destruction, I’d appreciate it.”

Rose nods. You realize, belatedly, that she is crying too. “Okay.” She says. “I’ll try.”

You think you could stand to get to know Rose Lalonde a little better.

***

Later, you make her dinner and she tries to explain.

“It’s not like nightmares.” She says between mouthfuls of spaghetti. “Not any more, it started that way, but now it’s… a lot more real than nightmares. It feels more real. Sometimes I think I’m drowning. Sometimes the edges of my vision go black. Or I see things that aren’t there. I look in the mirror and what I see is… isn’t me, sometimes. Mostly I hear them. It used to be that I could sort of decipher them when that happened, that I actually knew what they were saying, but… lately it’s more like noise. Bubbles and slithering sounds and croaks. It sounds angry. I tried talking back, but all I did was cough. My skin feels dry, my brain feels cramped and crowded. Sometimes I look around and I don’t know where I am. A few times I forgot my own name. The most peace I have is when I’m asleep – they’re not there in my dreams. But then, I don’t dream any more, it’s just… black, and immense. And I feel so frightened.”

“I thought the gates to the furthest ring got closed when we beat the game.” You say. “Actually, I thought we closed the gates to everything when we beat the game so hard that it obliterated everything behind them!”

“I did too.” She laughs a little and shrugs and shakes. “It’s… I don’t even know if it’s real, that’s one of the scariest parts. I can’t tell if this is actually happening to me, or if my brain is just too broken to know the difference.”

“Does it matter?” You ask. “It feels real right now, and that’s what’s killing you.”

“If it just feels real, I just have to stop feeling it. If it is real, I don’t know if I can do anything about it. I was never stronger than them, Scratch or the horrorterrors. Not when I was playing into their hands, not when I was god-tier. Definitely not now, when this is the first meal I’ve had in weeks.”

“You could be, though!” You insist. “You’re a hero, aren’t you? And you’ve kicked worse, right? This is your universe. That makes it their job to get the fuck out.”

“That was… different.” She says. “Roxy was there, I had help. And I knew what I needed to do. I don’t even know where to start, this time. I didn’t just lock myself up here because I gave up all hope, but it’s hard to look up the cure for ‘intermittent grimdark’ on WebMD.”

You laugh – genuinely laugh, which makes her relax a little. “Good point!” You say. “Counterpoint, though, I’m pretty sure Alternia didn’t have any mental health services or rehab like, at all, for anything. So I didn’t really know what the hell I was doing back then either, but I did sort of manage! You’ve got help now too, Rose. I realize I don’t look too friendly, I’m not your mother, but we both know I’ve got enough experience to be qualified for the position. And I am your friend. So trust me. Not to be pessimistic, but I’m pretty much your only option.”

“I appreciate the offer. But what in the hell do you expect to do?”

You admit that you haven’t thought this part of the plan through very far. But you do have one idea.

“You know I’m real, right?” You ask.

She makes a confused face, but shrugs and nods. “Yes, more or less: to the extent that I can believe with complete certainty that anything is real, which is not much right now, I do believe that you are real.”

“Listen to me, then.” You suggest. “Talk to me, when something starts to happen. I’ll tell you it isn’t real until you believe it.”

“And if you’re wrong? And they are real?”

“Then I’ll just wait around until they go away. Maybe they’ll get bored once they realize their plaything has decided to use her free will again!”

“That might be a very long time, Terezi.”

You smile. “Perhaps so! But we’re both quite used to waiting, aren’t we?”

She sighs. You take her lack of further argument as consent and dig into your food. And, it turns out, you are right to do so.

Slowly, carefully, Rose relents.


	3. And it burns

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TT: Hi.   
TT: Hello Dirk.   
TT: Good to see your face back around here.   
TT: Well. Metaphorically, I guess.   
TT: Good to see you too. So to speak.   
TT: How goes?   
TT: All right.   
TT: I’ve been better. But you’re aware of that, obviously.   
TT: You didn’t have to pay my bills.   
TT: Fuck you, yes I did have to pay your bills.   
TT: I realize that you’re on a suicide bender or whatever.   
TT: But that’s Kanaya’s house too. No point in taking it down with you.   
TT: I’m sorry.   
TT: Don’t be.   
TT: I mean, yeah, you fucked up and I’m kinda pissed off.   
TT: But I don’t actually think you feeling guilty is productive right now.   
TT: You’re probably right. But I want to say it anyway.   
TT: I’m sorry, Dirk.   
TT: If you could tell Dave the same, I’d appreciate it. I’m not sure I’m up to doing it myself yet.   
TT: Consider it done.   
TT: Anyway, it seems like you’re doing better.   
TT: Yes, I suppose I am. I’m feeling less malnourished, at least.   
TT: The rest of it… well, I’m working on it, anyway.   
TT: Yeah.   
TT: Just let me know if there’s something I can do to help, okay?   
TT: I will. In the unlikely event that there is something.   
TT: I mean, obviously, if I thought this was the kind of problem that could be solved with some thrilling heroics, I would have crashed through your roof on a flying skateboard a month ago.   
TT: But I kinda figured that would be useless.   
TT: Unfortunately, yes. It would be.   
TT: Just   
TT: Do me a favor, Rose?   
TT: Of course.   
TT: Survive long enough for me to see you alive again.   
TT: I assure you, I intend to do nothing less.   
TT: Do you mean that?   
TT: Yes, actually. I realize it might be hard to believe.   
TT: But I do.   
TT: I’m rather tired of making suicide plays, as it happens.   
TT: I helped make this universe happen, so I think I deserve a spot in it.   
TT: I’m glad to hear you say that.   
TT: And I’m fucking thrilled that I actually believe you mean it.   
TT: I am too, actually.

***

A week after Terezi moves in, you are starting to do better. She barely has to remind you for you to eat now, and you shower without her having to push the issue. You even log into Pesterchum intermittently. You figure you owe your friends the chance to chew you out personally, plus Terezi was getting tired of having to be the one to update them all on your status every five minutes. What Terezi is doing is working.

It’s also making you very curious about her.

You have known Terezi for a long time. She is, bar certain legal formalities, your sister-in-law. She is your friend, as well. Despite this, you have never quite figured her out. When you landed on the meteor, she didn’t talk much. You heard what had happened not long after arrival, so you sort of understood, but then, you weren’t there, so you sort of didn’t. She laughed a lot, but you weren’t sure she was actually happy. She and Dave started dating ages before you and Kanaya did, but when she and Gamzee went black and Dave broke up with her, she had just said “Okay, Coolkid.” You had felt guilty about it, about failing to stop it from getting that far, but not for long. You were pretty far gone by that point yourself. And now she’s back to laughing, but even though she has everything together, even though Gamzee is dead and gone, you’re still not quite sure if she’s happy.

You are both sitting on the couch watching television the first time you bring it up. “How did you and Gamzee get together?”

She frowns, but doesn’t falter. “Originally, it was his involvement in the whole thing with Vriska. He was the one who led us into that confrontation. I blamed him for making me kill her. That’s how it started at least. Then Karkat got involved in it, even if he didn’t know he had. Eventually it just sort of fueled itself. By the time he died, it barely mattered to me.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t do more.” You say. “I was a horrible auspiticise.”

“Nah.” She shrugs. “You were bound to fail, even if you’d been sober. You were human first of all. It’s a really difficult quadrant under the best of circumstances, and he and I were unfortunately kismet. Terrible, disastrous kismet, but kismet.”

“Do you miss him?” You ask.

“You’re asking quite a lot of questions!” Terezi says. “Why the sudden curiosity?”

“I’m not sure.” You say honestly. “Maybe it’s just that you’re the only thing I have to focus on.”

“So you think interrogating me will help you focus? Or are you just snooping.”

“I’m… not sure.”

Your repetition gives her pause. She mutes the TV and looks right at you. “Rose,” she says, “can you hear me?”

You laugh nervously (when did you pick up that habit?) and shake your head. “I’m fine, Terezi. “It’s just… I guess I’ve never done this before, not like this. I got an easy out the first time I lost it… one that killed me maybe, but not for long. Only twice.”

She frowns. “Twice is an awful lot, actually! Also, you did stop drinking without cheating, right?”

“That was different.” You insist. “I knew the source, I had a script.”

She cuts you off. “We’ve had this conversation.”

You close your eyes and lean your head back on the couch. “I can’t stop going over it. Can you blame me? A week ago I was certain I was dying. This is the third time I’ve come apart at the seams and I can’t stop doing it.”

“If that’s what you’re worried about, why the hell are you asking about my life?”

“Because you got over it, and I can’t.”

She laughs at you. “Oh man, Rose, where did you get the idea that I ever got over it?”

You’re surprised, and she barrels on. “I mean, I’m happy, hell yes I’m happy – I have a matesprit and a moirail and a house, I’m alive, a decent number of my friends are alive, my species came back, it’s actually all pretty great! But I’m not over it. And I don’t just mean in that stupid way that people talk about like ‘I still hold those experiences in my heart and I probably always will’, fuck no, that’s dumb. I mean like, I think about it all the fucking time, every day. I see Vriska in every blueblood and Gamzee in the shadows, I can’t pass skate parks without feeling desperately inadequate. I just learned not to let it lay me out any more. Past a certain point, if you don’t ignore it, you’re never going to function. But don’t think for a second that I’m the least bit ‘over it.’ Maybe four sweeps from now they’ll just be experiences I hold in my blood pusher, but right now I just try not to think about it because if I let every reminder get to me, it'd probably kill me.”

You stare at her transfixed for a second. Your brain is blank.

“Rose.” She snaps. “Talk to me.”

“… That doesn’t paint a particularly optimistic picture.” You say.

She rolls her eyes, and you realize that you’re still not really used to the yellow there, the little teal circles and pupils instead of the blanket of red that you could never look at without perceiving blood and flesh. “Do you know what being a Seer means? I mean, you were the god-tier one with the big fancy book, you should be able to define it, right?”

“It depends on the aspect, but it had something to do with insight. The ability to perceive things others could not, to know, often to predict. There’s a strong association between second sight and the future.” You rattle off.

“Wrong on all counts.” She says. “Being a seer, when you’re a Sburb player, means that you’re fucked. Like, even more than everyone else is. Because it means you’re there to be the guide, that’s the role the game thinks you should play, the one who really understands things and points the other players towards the most fortuitous decisions. Which means that you’re basically useless, because Sburb is a game where no amount of strategy or guidance is going to make your agency or anyone else’s worth more than a penny. Your friends are going to do what they want regardless and either it ends up as an offshoot timeline and everyone dies or they get lucky and it was supposed to happen. The game doesn’t care either way, right?”

“Why are you telling me this?” You ask.

“Because I think that it might not be a coincidence that it’s the two of us, out of everyone, who spend the most time spiraling out of control.”

“What about Kankri?”

She smirks. “Fuck Kankri. Asshole wouldn’t have known a mental breakdown if it hit him over the head, which I think it might have a few times.”

You laugh, genuinely laugh, and she brightens to hear it. “You can be okay, Rose.” She insists. “But don’t try to be over it.”

“Have you ever talked like this to one of the others?”

“Hell no! They’d be so weird about it, can you imagine Dave?”

You remember every time you’ve ever talked to your brother about something important and emotional and the way he’d spend at least a quarter of the conversation pretending he wasn’t upset, and you laugh again. It’s not an appropriate reaction, but you find you don’t care.

***

You dream again that night for the first time in what is now over a month.

You open your eyes and you’re in a place you don’t recognize at first. It looks like a forest, but the colors are all wrong, and it’s like there’s a photo filter on your vision. After a few moments, you realize where you’ve seen it before: it’s Terezi’s forest, the one you went to a few times in the dream bubbles. You briefly suspect that this must be one, but then, that doesn’t make sense: they got cut off with the rest of the furthest ring, you’re not even sure they exist any more. Although then again, you’ve begun to doubt the extent to which it really was cut off lately.

You begin wandering through the trees, because what else are you going to do? It’s dim – past sunset, obviously, since the sun isn’t burning your skin off. The trees have blue trunks and pink leaves. You always liked Alternia’s color scheme, from what you saw of it. You aren’t sure what’s brought you here, but you don’t mind. Compared to your usual “dreams”, it’s relaxing. You don’t feel paralyzed with fear, like you usually do, when it’s nothing but darkness and you can feel your consciousness slipping.

After walking a while, you see a particularly large tree up ahead. There’s toys hanging from its branches and a house wedged in the top. You know who this belongs to, but you also know that it isn’t your stop, so you pass the house by. The evidence of life that litters the ground by your feet makes you walk slowly. There’s a pile of what look like Pokemon cards, multiple piles of treasure, several bottles of milk. There are shards of magic 8-ball strewn across the grass, and one perfect white orb among them that you try very hard not to look at. You recognize that it’s a collection of lives, ones that got left behind when you didn’t. You barely knew them. You keep walking.

You head towards a clearing. Upon arrival there, you notice that you are no longer in a forest on Alternia. Instead you are on the moon of prospit. This makes you much more uncomfortable than being in the forest. You feel like you’ve betrayed something, and like you’re unclean, not good enough for this place. Up in the sky are blue and white clouds that are so vivid, nothing like the real sky: unbelievably bright and strangely defined, with images dancing below a layer of mist that you can’t quite see past.

Down the street from you is a girl.

You weren’t there for this scene, but you recognize it immediately. She’s staring up at the clouds, transfixed, frozen as if out of time. You’re behind her, but you don’t need to see it to know what’s happened to her eyes. What you aren’t expecting is the scream. Of course, it would have hurt, but you didn’t think people could scream like that in dreams. It doesn’t even sound like her voice, it’s high-pitched and animal, desperate, like in a movie when someone’s being stabbed but worse because it’s real. You are transported without walking to the front of her as Terezi crumbles to her knees, hands clenched in fists. Her face is covered in teal, and you are unsure how much of it is blood and how much of it is tears. And although you knew what to expect, your stomach lurches at the sight of her eyes. Actually, you wouldn’t even describe them as eyes so much as open wounds, two of them, gaping right in the middle of her face. They look remarkably empty, and below her burned and chafing flesh you can make out the back of the socket itself.

You step back, quickly, frightened, and someone behind you grabs you and you turn around rapidly to see it’s Vriska, but in clothes you don’t recognize, golden pajamas fit for a princess that are covered in blue. Her one eye is whitened out. Forcefully, with only one hand, she turns you back around to see Terezi.

“Watch.” She says.

Before Terezi’s kneeling figure, a troll in a short blue dress and red shoes materializes. She kneels down to match her in height and places one hand on either side of Terezi’s head.

“No,” Terezi says (you didn’t realize she was conscious), “Please, no, I don’t want it, it’s so bright, it hurts, I don’t want to –”

A light erupts from Aranea’s hands and Terezi screams again. Her body convulses, hands, knees, feet twitching like a hanged woman. She keeps screaming, sobs leaking in, and you can hear her pleading, no, please no, it hurts, between sobs until the light fades and she falls to the floor in a ball, whimpering and sobbing, hands holding her knees tight.

Aranea turns towards you. Vriska is gone, and you try to run, but your feet are frozen to the ground and your eyes are stuck on her.

“Every true seer must go blind.” She recites, and begins to advance towards you.

You can’t move. “No.” You mutter. “Stay away from me, don’t touch me, go away, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you.”

She smiles at you, and you begin to cry. “No, please, don’t do this, oh god, no, no, no –”

She puts her thumbs over your eyes.

You awake panting, your heart beating a million miles per second. Terezi is sitting on top of you with her claws dug into the inside corners of your eyes. You feel a drop of blood run down your cheek. Her eyes are open and she’s trembling.

“… Terezi.” You say.

Slowly, she removes her claws. She gets off of you and sits on her hands, staring at the wall.

You both do nothing for a very long time.

In the darkness, she finally speaks.

“So. I think we can rule out the possibility that it’s all in your head.”


	4. Grabbing hold to anything

TA: s0 what y0u’re telling me is that whatever weird h0rr0rterr0r shit happened t0 r0se  
TA: it’s starting t0 affect y0u t00  
TA: by virtue 0f pr0ximity 0r s0mething  
GC: 4PP4R3NTLY 1T 1S 4 TH1NG TH4T C4N H4PP3N  
GC: 31TH3R TH4T OR 1TS JUST SOM3TH1NG TO DO W1TH BOTH OF US B31NG 3X-S33RS OR WH4T3V3R  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW  
GC: 1M 4S SURPR1S3D 4S 4NYONE BY 1T  
GC: BUT TH3N 1T’S NOT L1K3 4NYON3 H4S DON3 3XT3NS1V3 M3D1C4L R3S34RCH ON GR1MD4RK  
TA: shut up  
TA: tz get the fuck 0ut 0f there  
GC: NO!  
TA: tz  
TA: get the fuck 0ut 0f there bef0re i c0me and psi0nically burn the d00r d0wn and take y0u 0ut 0f there  
GC: 1 S41D NO!  
TA: jegus  
TA: if y0u’re n0t g0ing t0 listen t0 reas0n can i at least find 0ut why  
GC: W3LL F1RST OF 4LL ROS3 1S D3F1N1T3LY GO1NG TO D13 1F 1 L34VE SO  
TA: 0kay but  
TA: i care ab0ut her t00 but i d0nt see the p0int in l0sing b0th 0f y0u and i sure as hell d0nt think dave w0uld either  
GC: TH4T 1SNT 4LL THOUGH  
TA: then what else is it  
GC: 1 DON’T R34LLY W4NN4 T4LK 4BOUT 1T >:/  
TA: im y0ur fucking m0irail  
TA: what is there we cant talk ab0ut  
GC: STUFF!  
GC: 1 DONT KNOW SOLLUX 1 GU3SS 1TS 4 CONV3RS4T1ON 1M PR3TTY T1R3D OF H4VING 1S 4LL  
TA: t00 bad, y0ure having it again  
GC: DO YOU R3M3MB3R THE M3T3OR?  
TA: 0f c0urse i remember the mete0r y0u dipshit  
GC: WH3N 1 K1LL3D HER  
GC: 1 D1DNT W4NT TO DO 1T BUT 1 W4S SO SUR3 1 HAD TO  
GC: 4ND TH3N TH3 MOR3 T1M3 P4SS3D TH3 L3SS SUR3 1 W4S  
GC: 4ND TH3 MOR3 1 THOUGHT 4BOUT 1T TH3 MOR3 1 LOST 1T  
GC: BUT TH3N W3 GOT H3R3 4ND SH3 W4S F1N4LLY D34D ONC3 4ND FOR 4LL  
GC: 4S W4S G4MZ33  
GC: 4ND 1 H4D YOU, 4ND 1 H4D D4V3  
GC: SO 1 THOUGHT M4YB3 1 COULD F1N4LLY PUT 1T B3H1ND M3  
GC: BUT TH3 TRUTH 1S 1 D1DNT, 1 K3PT TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T TH1S WHOL3 T1M3  
GC: 3V3NTU4LLY 1 FIGUR3D 1T W4S JUST GONN4 B3 TH4T W4Y 4ND 1 W4S OK W1TH TH4T 4S LONG 4S 1 ST1LL GOT TO L1V3 MY L1F3  
GC: 1 FIGUR3D 1T COULDNT STOP M3 FROM DO1NG TH4T MUCH 4T L34ST  
GC: 3XC3PT  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 FIGUR3D WRONG  
TA: …  
GC: YOU DONT H4V3 TO R3SPOND SOLLUX  
GC: 1 KNOW 1M 4 STUP1D NOOKWH1FF3R 4LR34DY  
TA: im s0rry, tz  
GC: Y34H  
GC: 1 KNOW

***

Rose forgives you more quickly than you expected. More quickly certainly than you would have done, but as she points out you are still no more likely to kill her than she is. She, like most everyone, seems more concerned about you.

When you woke up on the couch the morning after you attacked her, you went to your room and found her packing boxes. Having slept outside a recuperacoon (making it all the way back to your room had been too daunting in the night), you were already in a foul mood, so the sight of this had launched you straight into being pissed off.

“Get out of my room, Rose.” You said.

Rose had paused for only a moment. She didn’t even make eye contact. “Feeling any better?”

“I was, until now. Put my stuff back and get out of my room or I’ll lick you.”

She put a shirt down and you saw her shoulders fall, just a little. “This experiment is not working, Terei.” She said. “I appreciate your help, and your concern. I do. But I’m not letting you get dragged into this with me. Go home. Tell Dave and Kanaya I’m sorry.”

“I have the keys to the front door, smartass.” You replied. “And I’m not leaving.”

You heard her sob – just quietly – and said nothing. “I won’t let you die here.” She whispered.

You shrugged. “So? I won’t die here. And neither will you. So, I’m not leaving.”

She had given up only because she had no other choice. You can tell Rose is going to give up on living again soon if you do not do something. But at this point, you don’t know what can be done. You ponder asking Dave, but you don’t know if it would help, or just make him more distressed – besides, you’d really rather not explain the situation to him in full. The only person you told about what happened was Sollux, and he’s right, Dave wouldn’t want to risk both of you, no matter how much he loves his sister. But you won’t leave. Not until you are certain that she’d be okay, if you did. You cannot abide the thought of leaving Rose alone here to die. If you know one thing, and one thing only, it’s that you have had too many friends die. You are tired of dead friends, you are tired of letting friends die and leaving friends dead because you could do nothing, and had no choice. You have a choice now, and you aren’t going to let her die, nor are you going to die trying.

You are sitting in the living room thinking this problem over when Rose emerges from her room looking even more pale than usual. You stand straight up and walk over. “What’s wrong?” You ask.

It takes her a minute to notice you’re there, and when she does she jumps a little. “Oh. Terezi. It’s… uh, I was just talking to Dave, is all, on the computer.”

Your heart jumps in your throat. “Did something happen?”

She shakes her head. “No, not… well, yes, actually. He and Dirk spent last night in the hospital.”

You feel yourself go pale and your jaw drops. “What?”

“It’s nothing terrible.” She says. “But I guess Dave had been so distracted by being worried about us that it got Dirk concerned, so he challenged him to strife to cheer him up and take his mind off of things. They were on the roof in the middle of the night, and things got out of hand. Dirk got hurt pretty badly, apparently.”

“Is he okay now?” You ask.

She nods, although she still looks like a zombie. “They went home. Early, against doctor’s orders, but that’s not surprising. Dirk’s supposed to be on bed rest for a couple days, but he’ll be okay. Dave called Roxy over to help out for a little while, she’s on her way there now.”

You breathe a sigh of relief and make a mental note to chew the both of them out later. Dirk has recovered from worse, but this is one of the stupidest things they’ve done in a long time.

Then you notice that Rose is crying.

“Rose?” You say cautiously. “It’s okay, right? He’s going to be fine.”

She nods, but doesn’t stop crying, or say anything. Worried, you put an arm around her back and guide her to the couch, sitting down beside her as she brings her hands to her face and starts to sob.

“Hey. It’s okay.” You repeat. “Dirk is fine.”

She keeps crying, gasping for breath between sobs. Her body is shaking. You suspect that this might be about more than just her family. You have to stop her crying, but you’ve got no idea what to do or say to do it.

Panicking, you decide to improvise.

“Rose, tell me a story about you and Kanaya.” You say.

She doesn’t stop crying, but she looks up, and you take that as a good sign. “Tell me about Kanaya,” you say, “something you like about her, tell me a good day you had with her, just tell me something. Talk to me about her.”

Still sobbing, she talks in fits and starts. “The f-first time I saw her. On the meteor, at the green sun. In the whole crowd of you, she was the first thing I picked out. I thought for a second when I rose that I had gone blind, because of the hood, but she… when I saw her, I was so relieved I hadn’t, I didn’t even notice that she was actually glowing, for a s-second. I thought I was hallucinating it, somehow, maybe. She was so beautiful I didn’t think it could be real. It took me a while, to tell her that. When I did, that was the first night that we had sex, she was just so happy to hear that from me.”

You suspect this is a great deal more intimate than Rose would normally be comfortable with you getting. But then again, these are not normal circumstances, and you are not willing to stop if there is the slightest chance that this might help.

“That’s amazing.” You say. “That’s amazing, Rose, how much you love her. How could you give up when someone loves you that much?”

“I can’t.” She says. “I won’t.” But she’s still crying.

You reroute. “Tell me about Roxy, then.” You say. “Tell me what it was like to get to see your mother again. I never had one, I want to know.”

“She saved me.” Rose replies, and the conviction in her voice behind the tears is striking. “I would never… I would never have gotten out of that place if it hadn’t been for her. I thought it would be awkward, when I thought about meeting her, the places we were both coming from, but… but when we finally met I realized how much none of that mattered. We loved each other, and we were given a chance, to reconcile, and even if it was warped, it didn’t matter, it was a gift and there’s no way I would have made it out alive, let alone clean, without her.”

Her tears are subsiding, but you’re not ready to stop yet, you’re not sure you’re out of the fire, so you keep talking. “I’m so glad, Rose.” You say. “I didn’t have anyone like that. And it was hard. I’m glad that you got to. That you had people like her, her and Kanaya. And Dave. He’s done so much for me, and you’re so important to him, too.”

It takes her longer to respond this time, and for a minute you’re worried. But you understand when she talks.

“I was jealous of you at first, you know.” She says. Her voice is nearly devoid of tears, now. “When we arrived, I… I was wrapped up in Kanaya so much myself, but it was strange. Seeing my friend, of my whole life, so absorbed in someone else. H… he was obsessed with you, do you know that? He’d never show it, or he’d try not to. But he was, he thought about you all the time, even before you started dating. Breaking it off with you broke his heart. But he got through it. God. He did so much better than me. I felt so awful, when I found out how much he blamed himself, for… for what happened to me, when I’d done it to myself. Striders are such idiots, I don’t know what me and Roxy are doing with them, but… I love him, so much.” She starts crying again suddenly, but you don’t feel so afraid of it any more.

“I love him so much, Terezi.” She sobs. “I love him, and Kanaya, and Roxy, I love all my friends so much and I’m so scared. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to leave them, I don’t want to die. I can’t, I won’t, I’ve come too far and I won’t let them take me like this. Please, help me. Help me. I don’t want to die, Terezi.”

You reach over and wrap her in your arms. She nestles her head into your collarbone, which you know from hearing Dave whine about it can’t possibly be comfortable, but she doesn’t say a word, just keeps crying quietly until your shirt is nearly drenched in places.

When she calms down, you hold her at arm’s length and look right at her.

“I’m going to help you, Rose.” You insist. “I promise. I will not let them take you. And I will not let you die. But I need you to remember this. I need you to remember the moment when you swore that you wouldn’t let them take you and you begged me to help you. I need you to promise me that you’ll remember, because I don’t know whether a week from now you’ll still think you want to live or not, I don’t even know whether you will tomorrow sometimes. Remember how much you love your friends, how much you want to hold on, how much you want to be alive because if you forget that for a second then I might not be able to help you. I can’t fight them back for you, and I know that you know that, so I need you to remember this. You can’t give up, no matter how much you might feel like it, not for one second. You will die if you do, and I will not be able to save you. Do not forget that.”

She stares at you for a very long moment, and you start to freak out, almost expect that it’s too late already and she’s lapsed back in and she didn’t hear a single word you just said, but she nods, reaches up a hand to wipe the tears off her face.

You let out a long-held breath. “This is real, Rose. Okay? Life is real. I am real. And so is the fact that you could die. So remember.”

She nods again, and she laughs nervously, and it’s shaky because she’s shivering. “I will.” She says. “I promise. I’ll remember. I will.”

Later that day, you watch over Rose while she naps and take out your laptop to write an email.

D34R 3V3RYON3

SH3S GO1NG TO B3 OK4Y 4ND SO 4M 1

1M NOT L34V1NG H3R Y3T

SH3 M1SS3S 4LL OF YOU BY THE W4Y

WE W1LL S33 YOU SOON

LOVE  
T3R3Z1

P.S. D34R STR1D3RS

1 4M GO1NG TO ST34L 4LL OF YOUR SWORDS AND M3LT TH3M DOWN 1NTO 4 L1F3 S1Z3 M3T4L DR4GON

***

You make it through dinner, and most of the rest of the day, before she brings it up. It happens awkwardly, not surprisingly. You reminded her to take a shower and then went to do the dishes. It is only after you finish them and turn around that you realize she never got up from the couch.

You are nervous, but used to this by now. “Rose? You okay?” You ask, putting down a plate.

She looks over her shoulder at the sound of her name, which is good – she’s at least somewhat checked in.

“Terezi… what you said to me before, about remembering. Is it… was that about you?” She asks.

You flinch, but this conversation was bound to happen eventually.

You sit down on the couch next to her, but you don’t look at her.

“… Sort of.” You say. “Or, yes.”

“After the meteor?” She asks.

You nod. “It wasn’t exactly the same. I wasn’t worried about dying. If I gave up, I knew I wasn’t about to die. But I did feel I was on the brink of… I’m not sure. Relapsing? Something like that. It might not have killed me, but I… don’t think I would have made it far, if I’d given up even for a second. Which was scary. Because I was really close to giving up.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” She asks.

You frown. “I knew they’d want to help. I didn’t think I deserved it. That was the hardest thing. It wasn’t horrorterrors coming after me, it was just me. I thought I deserved everything that I was doing to myself. If I’d told, people would have tried to help, and I didn’t want them to.”

“Deserved it for killing Vriska?”

“Among other things. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if Gamzee hadn’t been there, but I can’t just blame him. All those things I did – becoming a juggalo, getting my eyes back – I did them to myself. No one else is responsible for that, not him, not you for failing to auspiticize, or Karkat for failing to pacify him, or Dave for failing to intervene earlier.”

“You said that you weren’t over it.”

“I’m not.” You say.

She pauses, and you can tell she wants to be careful how she says this. “What happened, the other night.” She begins, and then stops again for a second. “Do you ever think about blinding yourself?”

You smile. “All the time!”

She laughs a little, that tiny nervous laughter that you have gotten to know well. “Why haven’t you done it yet?”

“Because I am just as tired of destroying myself as you are. And I’m not deluded enough to think that it would be anything other than that, if I did. I want to get over it, but I can’t just pretend it never happened. That’s the problem.”

“Don’t say that.”

There’s something in her voice that makes you sit up straight, and you stop avoiding her gaze. Rose is staring at you as if aghast.

“Terezi, no, don’t say that.” She repeats. “That’s not a problem. Not like that, not one that can’t be fixed. You were the one who came here and got me up, who made me eat and told me to remember I didn’t want to die, so how can you be talking like that?”

“I wasn’t… I didn’t mean it like that.” You stammer, but she shakes her head.

“You did, though. I’m not stupid, I’m not crazy even, I just… look, I don’t care if it’s a Seer thing, or it’s proximity to me, or it’s the Horrorterrors or whatever but you can’t think like that. I don’t care if the stakes aren’t live or die for you, it’s not much of a life if you’re going to spend the whole thing… thinking about Vriska and thinking about blinding yourself and… you keep telling me we’re not going to die here but I think that’s an excuse because the stakes don’t have to be life or death to matter. We became gods and survived the destruction of two universes. If something’s stopping us from being happy, we should be able to kick its ass.”

You are silent.

“Say something.” Rose demands.

“…I thought you were supposed to be on the verge of a complete breakdown.” You say feebly.

“I am.” She says. “Right now. But not forever. I don’t want to live my life that way, and I know you don’t either. We can do better, and I don’t care why it is, if it’s all in our head, if we’d live regardless, or what. We’re going to.”

You don’t respond. Rose is right: you can do better. The problem is just how to go about it. And no matter how hard you work at it, you can’t think of an answer.


	5. Your courage starts to vanish

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: heyyyyyy so   
TG: i realize that since you started gettin online again every time i try to pester you you sorta ignore it   
TG: which is totes reasonable and u shouldnt do something u dont wanna or cant or w/e   
TG: but uh   
TG: guess i wanted to say hello anyways   
TG: for the holiday and all   
TG: even if prolly it was invented by the batterwitch and it only stuck around because of whatever universal constant bizz made the juggalos stay but   
TG: i guess what im tryin to say is   
TG: happy mothers day rosie   
TT: Happy mother’s day to you too, Roxy.   
TG: omg   
TG: well hi   
TT: Hi.   
TG: youre not gonna like   
TG: run away from this chatroom screamin if i talk back to you rn right?   
TT: No, I’m not planning on it.   
TG: cool   
TG: cuz i miss you a fuckton   
TG: i mean for real i get it im probly not the ideal person to talk to when ur tryin to get over addiction shit but   
TT: Roxy.   
TG: yeah?   
TT: I missed you too.   
TT: And for the record, that had nothing to do with it.   
TG: okay cool   
TG: thats   
TG: rly good to hear actually   
TT: How’s Dirk?   
TG: dirk is fine hes just stupid   
TG: like woah news at eleven (jk)   
TT: Is he on his feet again yet?   
TG: he should be soon   
TG: hes officially off of bedrest tomorrow not like hes actually been on it today   
TG: but he didnt try to leave the house   
TG: or sword fight   
TG: tbh i think terezi’s email scared the shit out of both of them   
TT: What email?   
TG: oh right   
TG: uh, it was about you mostly so i guess you didnt get it   
TG: anyways she threatened to melt their swords into a dragon or some shit   
TG: ive never seen them behave better in my life   
TT: I’ll have to thank her, then.   
TG: how r you two tho?   
TT: Well enough.   
TT: Neither of us had nightmares last night.   
TT: And she didn’t try to gouge out my eyes, so.   
TT: I’d say that it went well.   
TG: seems reasonable   
TG: that pattern gonna hold up, do you think?   
TT: No, I don’t.   
TT: But it’s all right. We can handle it.   
TT: I’m not going to stay cooped up here forever, nor will she. Promise.   
TT: I even thought about taking some of the locks off the door, the other day.   
TG: woah   
TG: lets not get crazy here   
TG: next thing i know ur gonna be admittin to me that five locks is way too delirious a number of locks to ever put on anythin ever let alone ur own front door   
TT: Point taken.   
TG: damn straight   
TG: thanks for talkin rosie   
TG: we’re all kinda worried about u still even if things are goin well so   
TG: its nice to hear from you is what im sayin   
TT: So I keep hearing.   
TT: I really am sorry for dropping off the face of the planet like that.   
TT: It won’t happen again. I promise.   
TG: apology accepted   
TG: although i gotta say im not sure im ever gonna get tired of seein you say that and knowin ur bein sincere   
TG: remind me to bake terezi a cake or somethin because im p sure this is some kinda miracle   
TG: uh   
TG: wait thats probly not a good way of puttin it huh   
TT: It’s all right. I won’t tell.   
TT: We can’t see everything, you know.

***

When you wake up the next day, you are back to drowning. But something is different.

At first, you can’t tell what it is. Of course, you are drowning, after all, choking on liquid and feeling it swimming and splashing in your lungs where it doesn’t belong, coughing to no effect, your body burning, your mind reeling, eyesight blurry, and it’s hard to pin down what it is that feels so wrong when you are overwhelmed and dying. You are losing conscious thought and desperate to give up, wanting it to just stop, when a heavy cough spills liquid out of your mouth and all over your bed and you realize, belatedly, that it doesn’t taste like saltwater, and it feels sticky, and the color is all wrong, neither black nor clear.

With your last bit of energy, you realize you are drowning in wine. Then you black out.

***

“Rose!”

You wake slowly, blinking fuzziness out of your eyes. You don’t know where you are, but Terezi is there.

“Hey.” She says. “You in there, sleeping beauty?”

You blink one more time, then when you are sure it’s her, you nod. She lets out a sigh of relief.

“What happened to me?” You ask.

“You blacked out.” She says. “Hardcore. I came to your room and I found you choking. I couldn’t snap you out of it, and then you fell over and just… passed out. You were breathing, but…”

You interrupt her. “How long ago did this happen?”

“… About a day and a half ago.”

A chill runs down your spine.

“You weren’t even moving.” She says. “I mean, not that seeing you twitching and muttering in your sleep would have been a good sign, but… if I hadn’t felt your heart beat I would have sworn you were dead.”

“I was in a coma.” You mutter, rather weakly. “The word you are looking for is ‘coma.’”

She hisses. “Yeah, well, on Alternia no one slept for that long unless they were dead or a helmsman, so excuse me for flipping out. What the hell happened there, I said your name and I grabbed you by the shoulders and I shook you to pieces but nothing worked.”

“I don’t know.” You insist. “I was drowning – or I thought I was drowning – and then I passed out, and it was… nothing. If I dreamed, I don’t remember it. It was empty. I don’t remember anything. Where are we?”

“Still home.” She says. “If you’d lasted much longer I was going to fuck it and check into the hospital, but right now we’re in the basement. I moved a mattress down here. It seemed more secure.”

You look around to discover that you are, in fact, sitting in your basement. Thank god – you might be doing better but, jokes aside, you’re nowhere near willing to leave the house.

“Can you stand?” She asks.

You nod and swing your legs over the side of the mattress to stand, but as soon as you put weight on your feet, you stumble and your vision gets hazy. Terezi catches you without a beat.

“What the fuck, I didn’t mean ‘stand up right now’, you’ve been in a coma for 36 hours. Slow down.” She says.

You wait till your world stops blurring and look up at her, arms still gripped tight to her shoulders.

“We’re going to the kitchen.” She says. “We’ll figure this out when you’ve eaten.”

You let her half carry you up the stairs and seat you on the couch. You do not attempt to protest.

She makes you food and gives you water, and then leaves you for her computer. By the time she returns, you’ve finished eating and begun staring at the wall.

Terezi sits down opposite you and you turn to her.

“So.” She says. “Why were you choking on the air?”

You laugh, and it hurts your chest. “Because. I thought it was wine.”

“Jegus.” She says. “That’s just mean.”

“Maybe. Or maybe I’m doing it to myself again. Maybe I just hate myself that much.”

“Rose, don’t.”

“No, I’m not.” You snap. “I’m not, really. Don’t tell me I’m exaggerating, or… don’t talk me down, don’t treat me like I’m crazy or fragile or I’m only saying this because I’m in the middle of a mental breakdown and almost became a coma patient.”

“You are in the middle of a mental breakdown.” She says slowly. “And you did almost become a coma patient. Do not give up on me now, Rose, we talked about this.”

“I have no intention of giving up on you, or me, now, or otherwise.” You insist. “But I have every intention of being serious about this. I am… you’ve been here for two weeks, almost, and I am still perilously close to barreling over the edge. You’re not doing so great yourself.”

Terezi looks like she’s about to scream. “You think I’m not taking this seriously? Rose, I just spent thirty minutes talking down your entire family, plus Jade, plus my moirail and his matesprit from coming over and dragging you out of here. I’m pretty sure Sollux and Aradia were about to break down the entire front wall, let alone the door. Yeah, I’ve noticed that the situation is pretty damn serious.”

“Then don’t try to talk me down like I’m a child.” You snap.

“What the hell else am I supposed to do?! I’m sorry that I’m not psychic enough to tell whether your spacing out means you’re feeling pessimistic or suicidal any more, but in case you haven’t noticed, we’re not playing anymore and I was never anything but shit as a Seer anyway, like you don’t know that since I’ve been explaining it to you for two fucking weeks.”

“Don’t act like that’s what I was telling you, I said not to treat me like a child and it has nothing to do with the game, or the sight, I’m not being unreasonable, I didn’t ask you to give up on me or do a better job, I’m just asking –”

“What?” She interrupts. “What are you asking me, Rose? Because you’re right. I have been here for two weeks! And you might be bathing now, and eating, drinking, sleeping without nightmares sometimes, but it hasn’t made a damn shred of difference except I’m a mess now too. I don’t know what to do any more, I don’t know how to help you, I don’t even know how to help me. We’re sitting here talking about how we can’t afford to stay like this without getting any closer to breaking out of it, and I don’t know what to do. There’s me being serious for you. I don’t know what to do, and I’m scared. Are you happy now?”

Terezi is crying. You lift a hand to your cheek and discover that you are as well.

“No.” You say, and you black out again.

***

You wake up and you don’t know where you are. It’s not your house. Of course it isn’t your house, since you’re probably dreaming. But it’s not any dream landscape you’ve seen before either. It’s not the black void, nor is it Derse, nor is it any part of the furthest ring. It is not Skaia, or the meteor, or LOLAR. It isn’t your old house either, the one you and Roxy were rather grateful to leave behind.

What it is is a very large, very well-furnished apartment – sort of old-fashioned in its decoration – that is entirely, overwhelmingly green.

“Hello, Rose.”

You jump about a foot in the air and turn around. Across the room, facing right at you, is a man in a nice white suit with a green bow-tie and a giant white sphere for a head, who is only about four feet tall.

It only takes you a second to figure out who he is, and where you are.

“Scratch.” You say. “So nice to finally meet you in person.”

“That’s up to interpretation. The sad truth is that I am not actually here right now any more than you are. But it is true that we are seeing each other face to face for the first time. So to speak.”

Hearing him talk is strange. There’s no mouth, no face whatsoever, and his voice sounds sort of muffled, like it’s coming from inside his empty cue-ball head. The acoustic effect is a little like putting a shell against your ear. You decide that you are glad you never had to talk with him outside a chat client before now.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re dead.” You say.

“Indeed.” He replies. “Quite dead.”

“So then, is that what I am?”

“No. It is not.”

“Then why am I here?”

“Because you are dying.”

You feel your heart drop into your stomach, but you don’t let your expression break. “Semantics.” You say. “If that’s the case, I might as well be dead. I must say, I never thought I would miss the dream bubbles as an afterlife.”

“It’s quite a lot more than semantics, my dear.” He says. “If you were dead, that would be it. You wouldn’t be here, you would be dead, and that would be all there was. As it stands, you still have a chance to avoid that. For the time being.”

“And I suppose you’re going to help me with that?”

“No, not really. I don’t expect you’d be willing to listen to my advice anyway. Considering what happened the last time you listened to me.”

“Then what are you here for?” You ask.

“I thought you could use some company.”

You walk closer and sit down at a small round table in the middle of the room, with two chairs facing opposite each other. “That seems odd, coming from you.” You say. “After all, shouldn’t you hate me? My friends and I destroyed your master, and you by extension in a manner of speaking. Why would you wish to do me the favor of your company as I wait out my final hours?”

“I was gone long before you eliminated English.” He insists. “Before then, I was your mentor, was I not?”

“Of course, since that turned out so well.” You scoff.

“Would you care for some tea?” Scratch asks.

“You don’t have a mouth.” You point out.

“No, I do not. But I like to keep my guests happy.”

“Why not, then. It is my beverage of choice nowadays, after all.”

Scratch makes a motion that seems to be a nod and walks around you to the other room, from which he produces a ceramic kettle and cups patterned in green flowers and small pots of cream and sugar. You are not terribly surprised to see that the teapot is somehow already full, and still not surprised to sip it and find it’s earl grey – your preference.

Scratch sits down opposite you. “In another universe, Rose, we might have been excellent rivals.” He says. “Chosen servants of enemy gods, using planets as our weapons and people as our playthings.”

“Thanks but no thanks.” You respond. “I serve no one, any more, and I’ve come to have a healthy respect for peace and quiet in my old age.”

“Twenty hardly qualifies as old.” He insists. “Out of my preferred range, perhaps, but too young to die by far.”

You decide to change the subject. “Where are we, anyway? Is this all still in my head, or is it something else? If I’m going to die, I’d like to know what caused it, after all.”

“It’s difficult to describe. But no, we’re not in your head, not exactly – or at least not exclusively. This is what’s left of the medium, only it’s quite a lot emptier than it used to be.”

“I thought we closed the medium.” You say. “Destroyed it.”

“You did.” He says. “But you had to leave some sort of door, after all: how else were you all supposed to get out? Most people in this universe would never notice it, let alone access it. You and the other ex-players are the only ones who’d know the difference, and most of them don’t recognize it when they see it as anything other than nightmares. Except they’re only seeing nightmares because that’s what’s in their head. Perhaps it’s best to think of it as a mirror. It reflects whatever’s on your mind back at you, only it’s not all in your head any more. Of course, you’re free to look away when it gets too dangerous, so it shouldn’t have been an impediment to your new lives. But then you kept looking.”

“Is that what happened to Terezi, as well?”

“Not exactly. Terezi just keeps taking glances.” He says. “You’ve been gazing at it.”

You smile and sip your tea. “Good. She’ll make it out okay, then. Once I’m not there to keep her looking back.”

“That’s a rather pessimistic view of things. You told her you didn’t want to die. Have you suddenly changed your mind?”

You shake your head. “No. But I’ve been trying for an awfully long time, and I’m afraid I’m too tired to open my eyes and look away any more. It’s nice enough here, and you are quite the host. I think I’d like to rest a while.”

“You promised your friends that you’d see them again.”

He is right about that, and you think back on the last couple weeks. Letting Terezi stay despite your better judgment. Talking to your friends again, seeing how grateful they were to hear from you. You think back further, about coming together, beating the game, finally being together with everyone. Being happy.

It feels an ocean away.

You push the teapot to Scratch’s side of the table. “Bring me a refill, would you?”


	6. No one will ever save you (if no one can ever find you)

CURRENT gallowsCallibrator [GC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

CGC: J3GUS D1D W3 R34LLY N4M3 TH3 BO4RD TH4T   
CGC: P4ST US 4R3 FUCK1NG 1D1OTS   
CGC: BUT UH   
CGC: 4NYW4Y   
CGC: TH1S 1S 4 M3SS4G3 FOR WHO3V3R G3TS 1T F1RST 1 GU3SS   
CGC: ROS3 1S 4SL33P 4G41N 4ND 1 DON’T TH1NK SH3S GO1NG TO W4K3 UP ON H3R OWN   
CGC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T TO DO BUT 1 WONT G1V3 UP ON H3R SO   
CGC: 1M GO1NG TO DO TH3 S4M3   
CGC: 4ND TRY TO F1ND H3R   
CGC: TH3R3S 4 GOOD CH4NC3 1 WONT B3 W4K1NG UP 4G41N 1F TH1S DO3SNT WORK   
CGC: DONT KNOW HOW 1 KNOW TH4T BUT 1 DO   
CGC: 4ND SO YOU KNOW   
CGC: 1M OK4Y W1TH TH4T   
CGC: 1 DONT KNOW HOW TO D3SC1B3 1T BUT 4T TH1S PO1NT 1T F33LS L1K3 MY SURV1V4L WOULD B3 M34N1NGL3SS 1F SH3 D1DNT SURV1V3 TOO   
CGC: (TO D4V3 AND K4N4Y4 1TS NOT L1K3 TH4T SO DONT WORRY)   
CGC: 1VE T4K3N 4LL TH3 LOCKS OFF TH3 DOOR SO 1F YOU DONT H34R FROM M3 4G41N   
CGC: 1F SOM3TH1NG GO3S WRONG   
CGC: YOU C4N COM3 G3T US   
CGC: OR WH4T3V3RS L3FT OF US 1 GU3SS   
CGC: SOLLUX 4ND D4V3   
CGC: 1 H4V3 NOTH1NG TO S4Y 3XC3PT TH4T 1M SORRY   
CGC: HOP3FULLY 1LL S33 YOU BOTH SOON AND TH3N YOU C4N Y3LL 4T ME FOR DO1NG TH1S FOR 4S LONG 4S YOU W4NT   
CGC: BUT 1 H4V3 TO DO 1T   
CGC: TRUTH B3 TOLD 1M SC4R3D TO FUCKING D34TH OF WH4T 1M 4BOUT TO DO R1GHT NOW   
CGC: BUT 1 C4NT B4CK DOWN   
CGC: SO   
CGC: BY3 1 GU3SS   
CGC: 1 R34LLY 4M SORRY BUT   
CGC: FUCK   
CGC: 1   
CGC: 1M GONN4 GO NOW   
CGC: S33 YOU 1N TH3 MORN1NG, 3V3RYON3   
CGC: PROB4BLY   
CURRENT turntechGodhead RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CTG: terezi, please   
CTG: dont   
CGC banned CTG from responding to memo.

***

The first thing you notice when you wake is that you are breathing. This seems extremely important, although for a second you’re not sure why it would be. When you remember, you sit bolt upright.

Laying only a couple feet from you are a pair of small grey bodies, close together with limp hands touching. Red and teal blood coats the ground, and their clothes. You feel the heat drain from your cheeks and scramble to your feet, backing up.

“Yeah, seeing your own corpse is a trip like that.”

You turn around. A white-eyed Vriska is surveying the bodies with her arms crossed.

“You cannot be real.” You say, as soon as you can think to say anything.

“Well, yeah, dipshit. What, did you think you were going to go to sleep and wake up in reality? We got no red pills here, sister. Or blue ones. Just some good old-fashioned hallucinations brought on by guilt. Would’ve thought you’d be used to this by now.”

“I’m hallucinating?” You ask.

“In so many words. Look, I could explain to you where you are and what it means and why you’re here and shit all day, but I’m pretty sure you would rather I cut to the chase, right? Time is of the essence right now, in case you didn’t notice.”

“Tell me what the chase is and we’ll see.” You reply.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Not terribly!”

“You’re supposed to face your inner demons!” She declares, doing a dramatic flourish with her hands. “Confront your past! Destroy what’s holding you back and move on to a brighter tomorrow! All of that ridiculously cheesy shit. But, if you ask me, that’s done to death. I would know, right? So I was thinking we could play a more interesting game.”

“And what would that be?” You ask.

Before you can blink, let alone move, Vriska has crossed the distance between the two of you and pinned you to the ground. She has a sword and she’s drawn it and got it pointed at your throat and you cannot move.

She draws in close and whispers in your ear. “You remember FLARP, don’t you?”

You feel around on the ground by your hand for your cane but then you realize that you haven’t carried a cane in years, and it’s not there.

She draws an arm back and socks you in the jaw. Your head rings and your vision blurs and you are very grateful that her arm isn’t made of metal in this hallucination.

“You know what I wonder?” She says, and you can hear loud and clear despite the ringing because, classic Vriska, she’s screaming. “I wonder how the hell you thought this could end up differently. I mean, you of all people, right? Sure, the whole actually stabbing me in the back thing felt pretty dramatic and conclusive at the time, I’ll give you that. But then you just kept looking for me, like jeez, can’t a psychotic ex-girlfriend get some space when she’s trying to raise an undead army? Sooner or later this was bound to end with a throwdown, when you’re carrying on like that.”

You reach an arm up and knock the sword away from your throat, rolling in the opposite direction. It scrapes as you escape, but it’s not bad, so you scramble to your feet.

“Actually, I was pretty sure that this ended when we closed the furthest ring up with you in it!” You retort. “But I guess I could never have been so lucky, at least not where you’re concerned.”

“Touché. You know, as long as we’re on the subject, why did you keep looking for me, anyway? What the hell were you expecting to get out of that encounter?”

You shrug. “Closure, I guess? I suppose I just wanted to say sorry.”

Her jaw drops. “Sorry.” She says. “Huh. Well, if that’s the case.”

Too quickly for you to react, Vriska reaches into her pocket and removes eight blue dice. She throws them to the ground and they begin to glow: eight eights.

Suddenly, a thick rough rope falls down around your neck and tugs you backwards and up, knocking the air out of you, making you choke. Your hands go to your throat and you claw at the noose, trying to loosen it, to get free, but you can’t. You are hanging from a gallows and she is staring up at you with her white eyes and not a hint of remorse or even anger, and you can’t breathe and you hear something in your neck go crack without really feeling it.

“If you’re so sorry, then why the hell did you kill me?” She screams, and through your blurry vision you see her start to cry.

But you’re not ready to die yet.

You close your eyes, let go of the noose, and think hard. Something solid and cold and familiar materializes in your right hand. You reach over with your left hand and you rip the cane in two, dropping the half from your left hand and swinging your right over your head in a wide arch. The rope comes apart, and you fall to the wooden platform in a pile, and all you want to do is collapse and rest but instead you roll forward, jump off the gallows and barrel straight at her with sword in hand. You use one free hand to grab her by the shoulder and the both of you go tumbling across the ground, grappling at each other. She tries to knock your blade away and you almost lose your grip, because you’re so tired and you still can’t really breathe, but you don’t let her. Instead you take the sword in your left hand and you pin her arm down with your right, and you dig the blade into her shoulder. The metal cuts through muscle and bone and sinew with a ripping sound, and she screams so loud that you’re almost completely deafened.

You scramble to your feet and point the sword at her throat. For a long moment, you stand there panting without saying anything.

“What are you waiting for?” She asks. “Do it. You didn’t hesitate this much last time.”

“I’m not sorry I killed you, Vriska.” You say. “I knew what I was doing, and I didn’t have a choice, and unlike you I only apologize when I mean it, and I’m not sorry. But I’m sorry it came to that. I’m sorry because if you had listened to me for once in your fucking life, maybe it wouldn’t have had to happen that way. We could have been friends again. You could’ve come with us. But that didn’t happen, and you didn’t survive, and I am not fucking sorry because it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault, it was you, and I’m not ready to die from guilt over something that wasn’t my fault. I’m not sorry for killing you, Vriska. I’m not sorry at all.”

For the next several seconds, you’re both silent. Then, inexplicably, she smiles.

“So let go.” She says.

Through tears, you smile back. You slit her throat.

The meteor, gallows, and your and Karkat’s bodies disappear. You are left in a void of white. You look around, and when you turn back at the ground, Vriska’s corpse is gone too. You reach up to your neck and find no cut from the sword, nor bruise from the rope.

There’s a noise behind you and you spin around, still on high alert. A door has appeared out of the nothingness, dark green and ornate. Standing in front of it is Gamzee Makara, shirtless and dripping with purple blood from several small wounds. He has a club in one hand and handcuffs in the other, and both of them are stained with teal.

“Hey there little sister.” He says. “Long time no see.”

You walk right up to him and stick your sword into his bare chest. He seems so surprised by this that it takes him a moment to fall to his knees.

“I’m done, Gamzee.” You say. “That’s it. I’m done.”

He stares at you for a second, his expression still a mask of shock. “Well, motherfuck.” He says, and falls to the ground in a heap.

You yank the sword from his chest one-handed, and you open the door.

***

The first thing you notice is an overwhelming taste of lime. You don’t use your nose and tongue to see any more, but this green is way too intense not to stir some old sensations. It’s so excessive that have no idea where the fuck you are or what is going on for a couple of seconds before it registers that you know both of the people in here.

“Holy crap, Rose, really?” You demand.

Rose jumps in her seat and drops her teacup. It falls to the floor and shatters, the shards immediately becoming enveloped in green lightning and disappearing into thin air. Within a second, an identical replacement cup, already filled, appears in her hand.

“Terezi?” She asks, gaping at you. “Are you… real?”

“I’m pretty sure I am, yeah!” You say. “Last I checked, anyway. But seriously? Your brain crawls off into some corner to live out the last few hours of your existence and it decides to come here? With this asshole? I guess I’ve got no room to talk, considering where I just came from! But damn, you picked a hell of a place to die.”

“I didn’t really pick it,” she says, “just sort of woke up here. But why are you here? Please tell me you’re still alive.”

“I’m here to rescue you, idiot.” You say. “And yes, I’m still alive. So are you, though I’m not sure for how much longer either of those things is going to stay true if we don’t get our butts in gear.”

She smiles softly. “I’m flattered to be sought after by such a dashing knight, milady. But please, take your leave. I do not desire rescue, I’m afraid.”

You shake your head. “Yeah but Rose, the thing is I don’t actually give a shit what you desire! You’re coming with me, and you’re not dying here, not today, preferably not ever. So get the fuck up before I make you.”

“Really, Terezi, can’t anyone just let me die in peace?” She asks.

“In about 50 years, I’ll consider it!” You say. “Right now, no fucking way.”

“If I may interject?”

You turn to the source of the sound and realize that the giant cue-ball is talking.

“Yeah, no actually.” You say.

“Although it is lovely to see you here, Terezi, I can’t help but question what you think you’re going to achieve by helping her.” He says, ignoring your comment. “After all, even if you get her to wake up, what then? She’ll still be thinking about it. She’ll inevitably lapse back into self-destruction anyway. She always does.”

“Beg to disagree on that, Scratch.” You reply.

“Oh? And why’s that?”

“Because I’m not sure where the fuck we are, exactly, but I’m pretty sure that’s not really you talking. That’s Rose. And I never trusted you about anything, and I trust her to make her own decisions right now about as far as I can throw her, so I guess it doesn’t matter either way! Seriously, though, I’m not leaving without her, nor am I compromising on any of this, so let’s just skip the existential conversation and go, can’t we please?”

There is another crashing sound and you flinch. Rose is holding onto parts of the handle of her cup, but it’s shattered again, and her hand is bleeding. Her whole body is shaking and there are tears streaming down her face. You suspect it’s not because of the injury.

“I’m so tired, Terezi.” She whispers.

You sigh and drop your sword to the floor, then walk over and grip her face in both hands, locking eyes with her. “I’m tired too, Rose.” You say quietly. “I’m so, so tired. And I’m sorry. But you’ve got to wake up anyway.”

“He’s right, though.” She insists. “He’s right, I can’t – I can’t do this, not in the long term, I never could, so why bother? If I’m just going to be back here in another two years, why?”

“You won’t be.” You shake your head. “Why would you wanna come back to hang out with this asshole?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do! But it doesn’t matter. You have to get up, Rose. I promise, it’ll be okay. But first, you have to get up. I know it’s hard, I know you’re tired, I know it’s not fair at all, but you have to get up.”

“Why?” She asks.

It takes you a minute to think up your answer, and in that minute, you could swear time starts to slow down. Scratch is silent, Rose is crying, and you are acutely aware that if you say the wrong thing, if you hesitate too long, if you fuck up in the least, then you might lose her. For everyone. Forever.

“Rose, you remember everything I told you? About Kanaya, and Dave, and Roxy, and remembering how much they love you, how much you love them?”

“Yes.”

“Forget that.” You say. “For the most part. Just, forget that. If you’re going to stand a chance, then want to live because you want to live. Anything else is superfluous. You told me that you didn’t want to die. So prove it to me. Wake up.”

“Don’t listen to her, Rose. She’s a foolish girl. Haven’t you learned anything? She’s just as much a mess as you. How do you expect her to help?”

“Scratch, if you say one more word I will pick up that sword and slice you into little puppet pieces.”

He falls silent. You lock eyes with Rose, and she looks up at you like you’re Obi Wan Kenobi and her last hope, and you pray that the right words come out of her mouth soon.

After what feels like an eternity, she turns to the doctor and speaks. “Scratch. Leave.” She says.

He stands and makes a small bow. “As you wish. Of course, you know I’ll never go completely.”

“I don’t really give a shit.” She says. “Leave. I don’t want you here.”

He inclines his bulbous head in a gesture approximating a nod, and the scene, including him, vanishes in a flare of electric green lightning.

Rose turns back to you and smiles a little, and although she’s still crying, it is the happiest expression you’ve seen on her face in two weeks. “I’m sorry, Terezi.” She says. “This was… selfish of me, I know.”

“Shut up.” You say. “We’ll talk about it later. I’m tired right now.”

She laughs, and it occurs to you that you have started to find that endearing. “Okay.”

***

You awake in the living room of Rose’s house and are surprised – pleasantly – to feel arms around you. You open your eyes and the first thing you see are two cherry red eyes, no shades to protect them or conceal the tears.

“Coolkid.” You whisper. “Long time no see.”

Dave lets out a small sob. “Fuck, Terezi.” He says, and then grabs you so close and buries his face in your neck. Over his shoulder, you can see Rose crying with her arms thrown around Roxy’s neck, and you smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter titles and work title are all lyrics taken from the song "Lost Girls" by Tilly and the Wall.
> 
> Thanks as always to my betas. I'm not going to say who they are at this moment due to the nature of the blind challenge (you'd be able to tell who I am if I did), but they know who they are and they are lovely folks.
> 
> There's several pairings/characters that sort of guest star in this that aren't listed in the tags because they're only included in passing. If just the barest mention of one of these is a big problem for you, particularly if it's triggering for you, I'm sorry, but I didn't want to crowd the tag with a fic that really has nothing to do with that pairing or character.


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